


Ain't Nothing But a Heartache

by ArgentSleeper



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Break Up, Closeted Character, Internalized Biphobia, Memory Loss, Minor Violence, Multi, Secret Relationship, Stalking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2014-07-26
Packaged: 2018-02-10 12:05:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2024493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArgentSleeper/pseuds/ArgentSleeper
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin and Arthur have been secretly dating for months when Arthur hits his head ice skating.  Now the past two years are forgotten, including their relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ain't Nothing But a Heartache

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tari_Sue](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tari_Sue/gifts).



> It is three in the morning. My brother is getting married in twelve hours. I've officially lost my mind. But this fic was hilarious fun to write.
> 
>  
> 
> Title is from the Backstreet Boy's song "I Want It That Way."
> 
> From this prompt at Merlin Writer's:  
> "Ok, as cliché as possible. Modern AU. Arthur has been hit on the head one too many times and has forgotten the last few years, including his relationship with Merlin. But because Arthur didn't want to come out, the relationship was secret and so now no one knows but Merlin, who didn't even get told about the accident straight away."

Merlin was not going to panic. He just wasn’t. There was no reason to because there was a perfectly logical explanation for why it was Monday and he hadn’t heard from Arthur since Thursday. A logical explanation that had nothing to do with Arthur wanting to break up with him. He had left his phone at the office. Morgana had come by and insisted that he lavish her with his attention, and her only. His phone was dead and a rat had chewed through his charger and landline and his legs were broken so he couldn’t go out and buy a new one or borrow someone else’s or go to Merlin’s and tell him _why he was ignoring him_.

 

The randomly broken legs theory would also explain why he had stood Merlin up on Saturday. Saturday was supposed to be _their_ day, the only time the two of them could get together on their own without their friends around to interfere. Merlin had thought it was a standing date, not something they needed to set up every week. They hadn’t even discussed it after the first few times, both of them just showing up at their favourite café for lunch, then going to the park or a movie or just back to one of their places (not that they didn’t end up there eventually anyway). So for Arthur not to show up, after not calling the night before, Merlin supposed it actually was perfectly reasonable for him to panic.

 

Even though it was really all his fault and he wanted nothing more than to track Arthur down and apologize. Arthur had to know he didn’t mean it, not a word.  But no, Merlin couldn't call Arthur's phone because then Morgana might see and then people would _know_.

 

Mordred just rolled his eyes when Merlin ended up getting to work late that day. It was a common enough occurrence that he didn’t even bother asking what had delayed him this time. “It’s your turn to pick our topic for the week.”

 

Merlin still didn’t understand why they had to have a _theme_ every week. Plenty of radio shows just looked at the day’s headlines and said “Oh look. A guy robbed the Tesco this morning. Let’s talk about the rising cost of bananas.” But no, Mordred insisted they had to be more organized. Off the cuff topics apparently only worked once you were a big name in the business. “How ‘bout break ups?” he replied without thinking.

 

Mordred snickered and put on a mock pout. “Aw, did big brother have a bad weekend? Although I’m not sure it’s called a breakup if you only had one date. Especially not if it was a one night stand.”

 

“What would you know about it?” Merlin snapped back. “It’s been how long since Kara?”

 

“Fine, we’ll do breakup week. But don’t complain to me when the listeners get angry that you’re being all emo.” Mordred stomped off and shut himself into the recording booth.

 

Merlin sighed, shoulders drooping. He knew he shouldn’t have taken his temper out on Mordred like that. It wasn’t Mordred’s fault Arthur was leaving him, just like it wasn’t Mordred’s fault he didn’t know there was even a _possibility_ of Arthur leaving him.

 

Merlin had always known he shouldn’t have gotten involved with Arthur Pendragon. Nothing good ever came of having a closeted boyfriend, especially one who insisted on remaining as closeted as Arthur. They had been dating for nearly eight months and Merlin still wasn’t even allowed to tell his mother or brother. Maybe this was for the best that they were over. Merlin deserved a relationship he could shout about to the heavens.

 

He gave a small apology smile to Mordred as he put on his headphones and sat down in his usual chair. Mordred just rolled his eyes. Merlin’s perpetual “single” status was a long standing argument between them. From the other side of the soundproof glass, Gwen gave them a thumbs up, then started the countdown to live air time. As soon as the red recording light came on, Merlin squared his shoulders and launched into his opening spiel.

 

“Hello hello! You’re listening to M&M Primetime, with your hosts, Merlin and Mordred. We’re coming off of one-hit wonders week, and what better way to celebrate one night of success than to segue to the one that got away. That’s right, we’re talking about break-ups. Had a particularly brutal one recently? Need advice on how to say so long to your current beau? Call in and let us know! We’re going to start off break-up week with a classic by The Smiths, “I Know It’s Over.”

 

“Wow, Merlin,” Mordred snorted as soon as their mics were off. “Way to start things off as maudlin-ly as possible.”

 

Merlin didn’t dignify that with an answer. Maybe ending things with Arthur was for the better, but that didn’t mean he had to be happy about it.

 

When they came back, Mordred took up the conversation. “As you might be able to tell, Merlin’s in a bit of a mood today. Feeling lonely and all that jazz, I suppose. That’s what happens when you don’t get laid for a while, after all.”

 

“Hey! I thought we agreed we weren’t going to bring that up!”

 

“I agreed to no such thing.”

 

“You’re not exactly a paragon of dating yourself.” If Mordred could go there on live air, so could he.

 

“Actually, I’ve been seeing someone for the past few weeks,” his brother announced smugly.

 

“Who? Your spaniel?”

 

“Morgana.”

 

Merlin gaped. “Morgana. As in Arthur’s _sister_ , Morgana? Terrifying, might be a witch, _Morgana_?”

 

“She’s not a witch.”

 

Merlin would have laughed in hysteria if he could have gotten away with it. His little brother was dating his boyfriend’s step-sister just as said boyfriend was ditching him. Somewhere out there the irony gods were laughing.

 

“So what exactly do you and Not-a-Witch do together? Dance around the fire and make blood sacrifices?”

 

Mordred was getting less and less amused by Merlin’s incredulous tone. “We go ice skating. She’s a national champion, you know.”

 

Merlin did know. Both Arthur and Morgana had trained on the ice since they could first walk. They did pairs skating up until they were eighteen and insisted they wanted to go to university. Arthur had been teaching Merlin how to skate, too. He could almost do it without holding on to someone now. Although at least 80% of the holding on had been for reasons other than staying on his feet.

 

“That what you did this weekend?” He tried not to let it sound bitter.

 

Mordred quirked his head. “No. Morgana had to stay home and take care of Arthur. Didn’t you hear? He had an accident.”

 

Merlin’s heart stopped, and he felt the blood drain out of his face. An accident. Arthur was in an accident.

 

Mordred was looking at him curiously as the silence stretched on, so Merlin forced himself to speak. “Remind me to send him a get well soon card. Right, well, we’ll be taking calls right after this next song, so be sure to get on the line right away! In the meantime, how about a song in honour of Mordred’s new relationship?”

 

Merlin hit play, and “Witch Doctor” played through the headphones. Mordred snorted and rolled his eyes again. Gwen hit mute on their mics again and called to them through the glass. “Merlin, are you alright?”

 

“Fine. I’m fine. Just surprised is all.” He had to force his voice to stay level. “What happened? What do you mean Arthur had an accident?”

 

Mordred shrugged. “Guess he was out skating Friday night and fell and hit his head. Morgana just brought him home from the hospital yesterday. She said he’s okay, just having a few memory problems.”

 

“Memory problems? Like he doesn’t remember the accident?” That was fine. It would be better for him not to remember such a terrible thing.

 

“Nah, like he’s completely blanked for the last two years or so. Thought he was still back in uni.”

 

 _No_. It took all of Merlin’s self-control not to run out of the room screaming. Arthur didn’t remember. He didn’t remember they were dating. He didn’t remember that he loved Merlin, that Merlin loved him.

 

They hadn’t started beating around the bush with each other -Merlin finally noticing that perhaps Arthur might be a little less straight than even Arthur knew- until barely a year ago. Then it had only been eight months ago that Arthur had surprised Merlin by shoving him in a linen closet –yes, an actual closet, a fact which Merlin never, _ever_ planned on letting go – and snogging the daylights out of him.

 

Two years ago, they had just been friends, _barely_ friends, merely two guys who happened to share the same circle of people who were _actually_ friends. They didn’t hang out together outside the group. They had hardly even spoken to each other when they were surrounded by the others. Even now, with Arthur still locked firmly in the closet, they did their best to portray that same persona of indifference.

 

 

Somehow Merlin made it through the rest of the show without any obvious problems, though to anyone who was an avid listener, his contributions were noticeably lessened. Mordred kept shooting curious glances as he once again had to fill in the silence, but he didn’t press, probably just assuming that Merlin really had had a bad break-up over the weekend.

 

As soon as they wrapped for the night, Merlin made to flee the studio, wanting nothing more than to run straight to Arthur.

 

“Merlin!” Gwen called from her side of the booth. “Can I talk to you for a second?”

 

Merlin was torn, but it _was_ nearly two in the morning. Arthur probably wasn’t awake right now anyway, and if he really did have a head injury, he needed rest.

 

“What is it, Gwen?”

 

“Your, uh, _friend_ called again tonight. I hung up on him, and again the three other times he called, but it’s getting worse, Merlin. You really ought to get that restraining order.”

 

Merlin groaned. He really didn’t need to deal with this right now. The man Gwen was talking about had started contacting the show a few months ago, calling in whenever they asked for listener input. At first it had all been innocent, just answering the question of the day, telling a few stories. But then he had started asking Merlin questions about himself on air, to point of requesting his number for a date. Merlin had turned him down of course –he was with Arthur after all, even if no one knew it– but the man continued to call back, several times a show, begging Gwen to put him through.

 

“Look, it’s fine. It’s not like he’s doing anything, really, just calling in. Just keep hanging up on him, and I’m sure he’ll give it up eventually.”

 

“But-”

 

“We don't even know his real name, Gwen. If it was something serious, surely he’d put a bit more effort into letting me find him, right?”

 

“But, Merlin-”

 

“Just let it go.”

 

Gwen sighed. “Fine. But I want it noted that I think this is a terrible idea.”

 

“Noted and filed. Now if you don’t mind, I’m going to head home to bed.”

 

He managed to make it to the car park, but Mordred was waiting for him in the passenger seat. “Mind giving your baby brother a lift?”

 

Merlin wasn’t in the mood to fight anymore. “Sure, fine. Whatever.”

 

Halfway to Mordred’s flat he piped up again. “Hey, can I borrow the car tomorrow? Morgana and I were going to have date lunch at her place so she didn’t have to leave Arthur alone.”

 

“Oh. That’s… thoughtful of you.” Arthur was staying at Morgana’s. Merlin filed away the information. “Maybe I could–”

 

He cut himself off abruptly. Merlin had just been about to suggest he come over as well, perhaps hang out with Arthur so he didn’t feel like an awkward third wheel. Then while Mordred and Morgana were being lovely-dovey in the living room with their ritualistic sacrifices, he and Arthur could curl up in the bedroom and Merlin could do the taking care.

 

But he couldn’t, not anymore. Arthur would just be confused. And more, everyone else would be confused too. There was no reason for Merlin to be overly concerned, not when he and Arthur were, in everyone’s eyes but his, nothing to each other. That was why no one had told him about the accident, after all. And that was why he absolutely could not say anything to anyone. Not Mordred or Gwen or Morgana or anyone. Especially not Arthur.

 

“Maybe you could what?”

 

Merlin kept his eyes on the road and forced a grin. “Oh, uh, I was just going to say maybe I could have you pick me up before work. But I can just bum a ride from Gwen. Or take a cab.”

 

It would probably kill him, but it had to be done. For Arthur.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was Friday before Merlin had his first test. Morgana had decided to have a gathering of everyone at her place so that they could tell stories about the last few years and see if Arthur remembered any of it. Mordred had agreed to play a rerun at the station so that he and Merlin could attend.

 

Luckily no one new had joined the group since the last time Arthur could remember. Not that they could stand to make their circle any larger. There were already ten of them packed in to Morgana’s flat. Granted, her flat was a lot larger than most. Merlin was grateful for the size, taking advantage of the crowd in the living room to hide in the kitchen as often as possible on the premise of grabbing yet another drink for someone.

 

“We shouldn’t be surprised, really,” Leon was saying as Merlin reluctantly came back in with a beer for Gwaine. “You already managed to destroy your leg last May.”

 

“Really? I definitely don’t remember that.”

 

Merlin did. He’d waited on Arthur hand and foot (and a few other body parts besides) while the cast was on. It was the closest they’d ever come to being found out as Merlin had practically moved in for a while and Morgana was prone to stopping by at the most inopportune times.

 

“It’s those weak ankles, brother dear. I always said they’d get you one day.”

“Thank you, Morgana. Glad to see you haven’t changed a bit in the last two years.”

 

“I’ve changed plenty, thank you very much. For example, I have my lovely new boyfriend.” She twirled a finger around one of Mordred’s curls in a way that made both Arthur and Merlin shudder. “Which means you and Merlin had better start being civil to each other. Brother-in-laws shouldn’t be so hostile to one another.”

 

Merlin winced, and Arthur outright gagged. “You told me you’ve only been dating for a month!” he protested. “It’s a bit early to be sending out wedding invitations, don’t you think?”

 

“Oh come on, Merlin was practically proposing after his first date with some guy a while ago,” Mordred snorted. Merlin froze.

 

“What?” Gwen light up at this news. All eyes turned to him. “Who was this? Why did we never hear about it?”

 

“Because it was nothing,” Merlin said hurriedly, pointedly _not_ looking at Arthur. “Really. Came to my senses immediately afterwards.”

 

“You must have.” Mordred rolled his eyes. “You never mentioned him again after that.”

 

“He had a weird thing about milk,” Merlin muttered helplessly.

 

“You never mention anyone ever,” Freya pointed out in her usual soft voice. “Not for a long time. Aren’t you lonely, Merlin?”

 

“Mordred said you were the one who picked breakups as your theme this week for the show.”

 

“I know a lovely man, Merlin; we could fix you up!”

 

“Whoa, wait!” Merlin threw up his hands to stop the flow of voices. “I thought tonight was about Arthur.”

 

“Yeah, it’s supposed to be about me!” Merlin breathed a sigh of relief. He knew he could always count on Arthur to want to talk about himself. “Was I dating anyone?”

 

Maybe that wasn’t such a good thing after all.

 

“Mate, you were practically a monk,” Gwaine snorted.

 

“That’s not true,” Lance corrected less than helpfully. “He dated Elena for a while there.”

 

“I did?”

 

“You did,” Elena confirmed, blushing. “It was perfectly nice, we just decided we were better off as friends.”

 

“Oh, please!” scoffed Merlin before he could stop himself. “You were miserable.”

 

Everyone stared at him in shock. “Merlin!” Morgana yelped.

 

Merlin ducked his head in embarrassment, but stood his ground. “What? We’re supposed to be reconstructing his memories, not lying to him about them. They only went out because you girls thought they would be ‘just perfect together.’”

 

Elena winced. “He’s right, actually. Sorry, Arthur. But I assure you, the break-up really was amicable.”

 

“Oh fine,” Morgana huffed. “But just think, now would be the perfect time to get back up on the horse. Whatever issue was holding you back before can’t be an issue anymore. You certainly had no problems with dating back in university. I’ll call a few of my friends; I heard Mithian’s single.”

 

“So now you’re fixing up both of us?” Arthur rolled his eyes. “Next you’re going suggest we do a double.” Merlin cringed as Arthur sealed their fate.

 

“Oh, that’s a wonderful idea!” Gwen clapped her hands excitedly. “I’m going to call Percy first thing tomorrow.”

 

Oh yes, Merlin was definitely going to die.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was Saturday. Date Saturday. His and Arthur’s Saturday and he was on a date with Arthur. And Mithian and Percival. It would have been nice, if only the pairings were switched.

 

His only consolation was that Arthur seemed to be as miserable as he was. Except it wasn’t much of a consolation seeing as he hated to see Arthur sad. Even worse, Arthur wasn’t sad because he missed Merlin, but because Mithian and Percy seemed to have hit it off and were currently making googly eyes at each other across the table.

 

“I’m going to kill Morgana,” Arthur grumbled under his breath as the two went to go get another round from the bar. “The first time she’s let me out of the house in two weeks and I have to spend the day with _you_.”

 

“You’re not exactly high on my list of drinking buddies either, mate,” Merlin shot back, even as Arthur’s words frolicked about on his shattered heart. “It could be worse, though.”

 

“Tell me, _Mer_ lin. How exactly could this farce of a date get any worse?”

 

“You could have hit it off with her and spent ages thinking you were perfect for each other and _then_ had her meet someone else. At least this way you know it’s not meant to be from the beginning.”

 

“‘Meant to be?’” he snorted. “You really believe in that crap?”

 

“Yes,” Merlin replied quietly. “At least I did.”

 

“Next you’re going to tell me you think it’s a great idea for Mordred and Morgana to be planning their marriage, just because it’s ‘true love.’”

 

“Whoa, now, I never said–”

 

“Is anyone sitting here?”

 

Merlin and Arthur whipped around to glare at the person who dared interrupt their argument. Merlin quickly tempered himself when he took in the hesitantly smiling face of the young man at their table. The man set down one of the two drinks he was holding in front of Merlin.

 

“I noticed your glass was a bit empty there, mate, so I thought I’d help you out.”

 

“ _My_ glass is –”

 

“Shut up, Arthur. Thanks. I appreciate it. Especially since it seems our dates are going to be a while.” Mithian and Percy were now leaned up against the wall by the bar, their hands engaged in activities that were not conducive to bringing pints.

 

The man’s grin dimmed a bit, disappointment in his eyes. “Oh, sorry. You’re on a date? I’m sorry, really. I’ll just go.”

 

“We _were_ on a date,” Arthur cut in, scowling at the exclusion from the conversation. “But as you can see it’s clearly over now.”

 

“So you _are_ single?” The smile was back full force now.

 

Merlin blinked. “Oh, I’m, I mean-” he stammered. He glanced at Arthur for support, but that only made things worse.

 

“My name’s Cedric.” He held out his hand to shake, but Merlin was still frozen. Awkwardly he withdrew, shoving his hands in his coat pockets instead, fiddling nervously with the lining, causing a few bits of lint to fall out. “I was wondering, if you really are free now, if you might want to join me at my table? Sorry if I’m being too forward, but I find you captivating.”

 

If there was any more mortifying experience than being asked out in front of your boyfriend while on a double date with said boyfriend because said boyfriend didn’t know you were dating, Merlin wasn’t sure he wanted to experience it.

 

“Um, actually, I-”

 

“When I say we were on a date, what I meant was it was a double date,” Arthur said suddenly, rising and crossing over the other side of the table, plopping himself down in Percy’s vacated seat. “Those two over there, and us two here.”

 

“Arthur, what are you doing?” Merlin hissed under his breath, heart beating wildly.

 

Arthur ignored him, wrapping an arm around Merlin’s shoulders. It might as well have been a shawl of fire for all Merlin was concerned, so aware was he of the heat of Arthur’s touch. “The over part was just that it’s not a double date anymore. Now it’s just us, and we are very much still on a date. So if you don’t mind, you can take your drink and skedaddle. Cheers, mate.”

 

“Oh. Sorry. Of course. I’ll just... go then? Nice to meet you, Merlin.”

 

The moment Cedric was out of earshot Merlin gaped at Arthur. “ _What the hell was that?_ ”

 

Arthur withdrew his arm, scowling. “He put something in that drink he brought you. I saw the capsule fall out of his pocket.

 

“What? You’re joking.” Merlin couldn’t even process such information, his mind still whirling over Arthur’s act.

 

“But hey, you could still go after him if you want. Maybe it’s ‘meant to be.’”

 

The phantom of Arthur’s arm still lingered on Merlin’s shoulders. For a moment he had hoped… But no. Arthur still looked at him as impassively as always. “No,” he mumbled, turning away, “I’d rather both parties be aware in any relationship I’m in, thanks.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Merlin, we need to talk.”

 

Merlin jumped and slammed his front door at his brother’s voice coming from the couch. That was it. He was definitely taking the keys away for good this time. “Aw, are you breaking up with me, Mordred?”

 

“I’m serious. There’s something going on with you. You haven’t been yourself for weeks now. I’m not saying I liked you much before, but this whole repressed emo thing has got to stop.”

 

“I am not a repressed emo,” Merlin protested, rolling his eyes. “Besides, I thought _this_ was what you wanted. I’ve been going on all those dates you’ve set me up on.”

 

He knew Mordred had a point though. His performance at the radio station had plummeted since Arthur’s accident, all his usual banter coming out wooden, and that was when it didn’t devolve into awkward silence. And other than the few mandatory dates, he wasn’t leaving his flat for anything, not even their usual get-togethers with the gang. Being around Arthur but not actually being able to _be_ with him was just too painful.

 

“First of all, I didn’t set you up on anything; that was the girls. Second of all, if I’d known it was going to turn you into a hermit I would have protested more when they were doing it. I thought it would be good for you to get out there and join the rest of the mating race, but not if that’s going to stop you from enjoying the rest of life.”

 

“It’s not the dates, Mordred,” Merlin sighed. “Well, it is, sort of, but it’s not _all_ the dates. It’s just… it’s complicated, okay?”

 

“Does this have anything to do with those coffee dates you and Arthur used to have?”

 

Merlin’s jaw dropped open. “How did you know about those?”

 

Mordred shrugged. “The barista is an old friend of mine from uni. He mentioned you came there a lot, along with ‘some blond guy.’ But recently you stopped coming.”

 

Oh God, they’d been caught. Arthur was going to kill him. He would kill him, and he wouldn’t even know why he was doing it. They’d thought they were safe at their café, two towns away from the closest of their friend group and completely unknown. Obviously this whole thing was some kind of punishment. Merlin was being penalised for agreeing to a relationship with a closeted man. He’d thought the consequences would be worth the rewards, but now he didn’t even get to _have_ the reward.

 

“What, was Arthur helping you with a case or something? If that’s it, why wouldn’t you tell me about it? You know there’s no reason to be worried. He’s already gone back to work part-time. I’m sure he’ll be able to get back together with you soon.”

 

Merlin started laughing, broken giggles that sprang out of nowhere and didn’t answer any attempt to make them stop. Mordred raised his eyebrows in alarm and crept forward, gently nudging him to sit on one of the chairs. Tears joined the laughter, and Merlin wasn’t even sure what he was feeling anymore.

 

This was too much. This was all too much. And Merlin was so _tired_.

 

“Merlin?” Mordred knelt beside him awkwardly, clearly not knowing how to handle a hysterical brother. “All right, if you don’t tell me what’s going on right now, I’m calling Mum and demanding she tell me.”

 

“She doesn’t know!” Merlin burst out with another giggle. “She doesn’t know and you don’t know and nobody knows!”

 

“What doesn’t anybody know, Merl?” Mordred’s eyes grew wide. “Wait, you’re okay, aren’t you? Arthur isn’t, like, helping you with your will or something? Do you have cancer and you’re not telling me? Shit, Merlin, you do, don’t you! How could you hide that from me?”

 

Merlin sobered quickly, reaching a hand out to his brother’s shoulder. “No, of course I’m not, Mords. I’m not dying. I’m fine. I’m totally healthy.”

 

“You’re not fine.” Mordred brushed the touch off and stood, arms crossed over his chest. “Something’s going on and it’s hurting you. And what hurts you hurts me. What aren’t you telling me, Merlin? I’m your brother; I deserve to know.”

 

Merlin ducked his head and slumped in his chair. “He- he asked me not to tell you. Or anybody.”

 

“Tell me _what_ , Merlin?”

 

He sighed. _Arthur, please forgive me_. “I’m dating Arthur, okay? At least, I _was_ dating him, before all this.”

 

“ _Shit._ ” Mordred dropped on the chair next to him. “You and- you and _Pendragon_? But he’s- and you’re-”

 

“He didn’t want anyone to know. He was afraid people would think differently of him if they knew he was bi.”

 

“Why the hell would we think differently of him?” Mordred snorted, though his eyes were still wide with disbelief. “He does know we know _you’re_ gay, doesn’t he? We haven’t exactly called out the lynch mob on you.”

 

“I know, I know it doesn’t make any sense, but it’s what he wanted and I was willing to go along with it no matter how stupid it sounded because… because if totally secrecy was what it took to keep him around I didn’t care, so long as he stayed.” Merlin buried his face in his hands. “I fucking _loved_ him, Mordred. And now he doesn’t even _care_.”

 

Mordred heaved a sigh and shoved Merlin over in his chair, squishing down beside him and hugging him like they used to do when they were little, before it wasn’t cool to actually _show_ your siblings you liked them. “Then why haven’t you _told_ him, idiot? It’s been two months since the accident.”

 

“Because… because…” Why _was_ Merlin doing this again? “Because you’ve heard all those stories, Mordred! About people who lose their memories and they’re a totally different person afterwards. Maybe Arthur cared about me before, but he obviously doesn’t give a damn about me now. I’m not going to force him back into a relationship with me that he doesn’t want. Two years ago he didn’t even know he liked guys. I can't out him when he doesn't even know he ever needed a closet.”

 

“Look, Merlin. I’m still struggling with the fact that my brother and _Arthur Pendragon_ were- how long exactly was this going on?”

 

“Eight months?”

 

“ _Eight months?_ Okay, no, pushing that to another time. Like I said, weir- no, horrifying as it is to discover you and Pendragon have been in some kind of secret dalliance for the past _eight_ _fucking months_ , there’s one thing even beyond that I can’t wrap my head around. You, who was advocating full truth in reconstructing his memories, insist on continuing to lie to him about a pretty damn big chunk of them. Doesn’t Arthur deserve to at least have a _choice_ in whether or not he wants this?”

 

Merlin shrugged his brother off and stood, backing away towards his room. “Or maybe I’m just finishing what he wanted. Now this relationship really is hidden from everyone, including him. Secret relationships never work, Mordred. We were always fighting about it, even before now. Maybe it’s better that it ended this way. Now no one gets hurt.”

 

“Except you.”

 

Merlin gave what he hoped was an indifferent smile as he fought to keep further tears in check. “Nothing’s perfect.”

 

As the door to his room closed behind him, he heard Mordred shout, “ _Oh my God_. _Eight months? Pendragon was the one you wanted to propose to?_ ”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Thanks again for helping me out with this, Elena.”

 

“No problem!” came the muffled reply. Arthur chuckled and turned away back to his search of the closet. What Elena thought she was going to find hidden under his bed was a mystery.

 

Morgana had been suggesting for weeks that he start trying to piece together his forgotten life. He had been back in his flat –finally unsupervised, thank goodness; there were only so many of his sister’s dates he could witness without wanting to hit himself on the head all over again –for the past two months, but he hadn’t been able to bring himself to do as she wanted until now.

 

Part of it was apathy. Arthur just didn’t _care_ what had happened before. If no one had told him about it, it obviously wasn’t all that important. Did he seriously have to watch a dozen home videos so he could know that for Morgana’s birthday she had had a cake decorated like one of her favourite strappy shoes and received no less than three purses as presents? Learning about his job he could understand. The firm had put him on leave until he could review his clients well enough to not botch up any cases. But the world wasn’t going to end if he didn’t remember what colour tie he wore to the company Christmas party.

 

Another part –a much bigger part than he was willing to admit –was fear. He just couldn't know what it was he didn't _know_. What if he didn’t _like_ some of the things he’d done in the past two years. What if he uncovered a hidden drug problem or a secret life hiring hookers for pleasure? He didn’t tell Morgana everything, after all, or even Gwaine, who probably would have been the one to give him the numbers of said hookers.

 

That was why Arthur had asked Elena to come help him sift through his old things for clues. Elena wouldn’t judge him. She’d already told him all the sordid details of their three day (lack of) romance. With her help some memories had already started to return to him. He now knew for sure that their break up had been for the best. Merlin was right that they had been miserable trying to feel for each other something that wasn’t there.

 

“Aw, here’s the teddy bear Gwaine won you at the fair last October!” Elena cooed from under the bed. “He called you his ‘fair maiden’ all weekend. Then you threatened to shove the bear down his throat. I can’t believe you actually kept it.”

 

“Probably in case he decided to start doing it again.” Arthur vaguely remembered the stuffed animal, lurid purple with a glittery heart on its stomach and a voice box that yelled “I wuv you bear-y much!” if you so much as looked at it. He couldn’t imagine why he wouldn’t have thrown it out.

 

“Ooo, token box! I think we’ve hit a jackpot!” Elena squirmed out, a large shoe box clutched in her hands. She dropped it on the spread. “Let’s see. Concert ticket, mid January, some band called Night Train? Another ticket from early March. The Lion King on Broadway! You never mentioned you got to go see that! That must have been when you took that trip to the States for work. Am I allowed to be jealous of things you don’t remember? What else do we have here? A rubber duck dressed as a sock monkey, New Year’s goggles, about six miniature birds, and…”

 

Arthur turned as Elena trailed off. “And what?” Oh no, he really did have something terrible to hide. He could only hope it wasn’t completely mortifying, like stills from porn. Elena didn’t reply, just continued to stare confusedly at the piece of paper in her hands. “Elena, what is it?”

 

She turned the paper around. It was a photo. “Arthur,” she asked quietly, “why are you kissing Merlin?”

 

Arthur darted forward and grabbed the picture out of her hands. “I’m not-” He was. _Oh my **God.** _ Was it too late to hope he had an addiction to hookers?

 

“From the goggles, that looks like it was taken at some kind of New Year’s Eve party, Arthur. You told us you had to go to a work thing that night… And Merlin said he was sick…”

 

_“I want to kiss my boyfriend on New Year’s Eve, Arthur. This is non-negotiable. I don’t care if you have to shove me in another closet to do it, but if I have to go into the New Year alone, I’m **staying** alone, do you understand?”_

“I didn’t… We’re not… “

 

“It certainly looks like you are.” She produced another picture, this time of Merlin with his head lying on Arthur’s lap, smiling up at him while one hand was stretched out to snap the photo. Arthur was grinning down at him with an equally besotted look on his face.

 

_“You know, at this point most people would ask their boyfriends to **move in** , rather than just basically use their place as a hotel they never check out of.”_  
 _“You know that’s not possible, Merlin.”_  
 _"And whose fault is that?”_

 

Elena kept looking between him and the photos, a hurt frown forming. “Why wouldn’t you tell us, Arthur? How long did you two date?”

 

“Merlin and I never dated!” They were drunk, they had to be. A drunk snog, a blindly drunk cuddle, that was all. And Arthur kept the photos because…

 

_“My birthday’s coming up in a month. Mordred wants me to go home with him to Ealdor for it. I told him I’d think about it.”_  
 _“What’s there to think about? You could go see your mum.”_  
 _“Well, I might want to spend the day with my boyfriend. I can’t do both. Well, I could, but that’s up to you.”_  
 _“Merlin…”_

“Look, it’s totally fine, Arthur, really. You know, Gwen and I dated for like a week in uni. It’s no big deal, everyone does it.”

 

He kept the photos, _why_ did he keep the photos?

 

“I dated Merlin. I dated _Merlin_. Why on earth did I _date Merlin_?” Arthur dropped down hard on his bed, mind whirling with half-formed memories that confused him more than they clarified things.

 

“Oh come on, Arthur.” Elena sat down on the bed next to him and took his hand. “Maybe we’re blowing this out of proportion. Maybe you were just, you know, friends with benefits? Well, you two were never really friends, but still. I’m sure it was nothing. Merlin hasn’t mentioned anything to you has he?”

 

“No.” And for some reason that _hurt_. “He hasn’t said a word.”

 

“See? I’m sure it’s nothing.”

_“Is it going to be like this forever? What, are we supposed to have some kind of secret wedding? Blindfold the priest so he won’t know who’s getting married?”_

 

“It wasn’t nothing,” Arthur whispered. “It was _everything_.”

 

Arthur dropped to his knees and reached under the bed. He pulled out the stuffed bear. “It was my fault. I wouldn’t let him tell people,” he explained, half to himself, as he stroked the nubbly fur. “I thought if everyone knew, there would be all this pressure on us. I was afraid we wouldn’t be able to handle it, that we’d break up in the first month because everyone would be watching.”

 

“Arthur?”

 

He crawled back up on the bed next her and turned the bear over. The voice box had been inserted through a zipper in its back. Arthur had torn the stupid thing out within five minutes of Gwaine throwing it at him, tossing it in the trash. But he’d kept the bear.

 

“Merlin hated me for it. He never said it, but I know he did. Because I hated myself for asking it of him.”

 

_“I can’t do this anymore, Arthur.”_  
 _"Please, Merlin. Please don’t leave.”_  
 _"Give me a reason to stay.”_

 

Arthur unzipped the back of the bear and reached inside, pulling out a gold band. “I am such an idiot.”

 

“Oh, Arthur!” Elena squealed, hugging him tight. “That’s so romantic!” She pulled back. “But wait, you mean Merlin hasn’t said _anything_ to you since your accident?”

 

“No,” Arthur repeated, shoulders slumping. “What reason has he had? Nobody knew, _I_ didn’t even know. I wanted there to be no pressure, and there wasn’t. Not even for him to win me back. My accident was his get out of jail free card.”

 

“I’m sure he didn’t think of it like that…”

 

“Why not? I trapped him in a life of lies and now he’s free. He can be with someone else guilt-free. Someone who’s actually willing to do things like hold his hand in public.”

 

“Does that mean you’re not going to tell him you know?”

 

“No. I’m doing what I should have done a long time ago. I’m letting Merlin go.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Damn it. Mords, I’ll be right there. I left my mobile in the car.”

 

Mordred rolled his eyes. “What do you need your mobile for? We’re going to be on the air, not texting our listeners.”

 

“And what if Mum’s in an accident and needs to get a hold of us, huh? Go on, I’ll be up in a minute.”

 

Merlin turned and trotted back to the car. His mobile lay abandoned in the cup holder, blinking that he had a message. _See, Mordred? I would have missed that if I left it here._ Slamming his door shut and punching the key to lock it again, he flicked open the lock pad.

 

“Merlin! Fancy meeting you here, eh?”

 

Merlin turned at the voice, slipping the mobile in his pocket. He would have to deal with that later. “Cedric?” He hadn’t seen the man since the night of the disastrous double date. Merlin put on a wary smile. He couldn’t forget Arthur’s suggestion that Cedric had drugged his drink.

 

“This is a crazy coincidence.” Cedric loped over to walk with him. “I’ve been thinking about you since that night in the bar. Are you sure you don’t want to get a drink sometime? I’ve got some free time right now, actually.”

 

“Uh, I actually have to get to work, Cedric, sorry.” He gestured towards the building.

 

“Oh right, sure! You’re a radio dj? One of those talk and music things?”

 

“Yeah...” Merlin picked up his pace. “I’m actually running a bit late, Cedric, so if you don’t mind…”

 

“Of course!” Cedric shifted a little closer. “Actually, Merlin, I’m glad I ran into you. I dropped my keys over by that grate there, and I was hoping someone might come along who could help me get them out.”

 

“I’ll let the maintenance staff know. I’m sure they’d be willing to send someone out.”

 

“Oh, come on, be a friend? It’ll only take a second. Your arms are so nice and lean that I just know you can reach in there and get them. I’d be eternally grateful.”

 

Merlin hesitated. He really needed to get inside before Mordred decided to kill him. But it was the least he could do for turning the poor guy down… “All right, fine. But I can only give it a couple tries, then I really have to go.”

 

“Thank you so much, Merlin. You’re a star.”

 

Merlin leaned over the grate to see if he could catch a glimpse of shiny keys, and the next moment his world went black.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“I knew it, I _knew_ we should have gotten that restraining order!” Gwen squeezed his hand tight, tears flowing down her cheeks.

 

“Relax, Gwen. Merlin was right, we didn’t have enough information then to do anything about it. But we do now, so we can make sure that bastard doesn’t come anywhere near you again, big brother.”

 

Merlin felt like such a fool. According to Gwen and Mordred, his brother –furious at Merlin’s lack of appearance in the studio- had come out to find him being dragged across the car park and stuffed into the back of Cedric’s car. The police found the bloody lump of concrete Cedric had used to knock him out with a few paces away. By the time he’d woken up in the hospital, Merlin had been in and out of surgery for the swelling around his brain and unconscious for three days.

 

He was just glad Mordred had been the only one present when he had first come out of the medically induced coma. His first words had been used to ask for Arthur. It had taken a few panicked moments for Mordred to explain they weren’t together anymore. Luckily his memory loss had been far more temporary than Arthur’s, and within an hour he was back to his pre-brain injury self.

 

“I should have listened to Arthur,” he muttered, earning a wide eyed look from Mordred and a small shake of his head. “He told me Cedric was no good when we first met him.”

 

“Oh, Merlin. You were just trying to be kind,” Gwen reassured him. “He took advantage of your good heart.”

 

“Guess I’m doomed for every man who cares about me to be a head case, huh?”

 

Someone cleared their throat by the door, causing the three to jump. Merlin blushed to see Arthur and Morgana in the doorway. Morgana swept into the room and kissed Mordred on the cheek, then turned and did the same to Merlin.

 

“Oh, you poor thing. Mordred called me immediately and told me what happened. Don’t you worry; I’ve pulled some strings and gotten you the best lawyer in the area. He’s even agreed to do the case pro bono.”

 

It was Arthur’s turn to blush. “Yeah, well, the guy is clearly guilty. What’s he going to say: he was kidnapping you to take you to the hospital?”

 

“Why not?” Mordred pointed out. “That’s the story he tried to feed me, that Merls slipped and he was just helping out. Gwen was the one who recognized his voice as the stalker from the phone lines.”

 

“And so I’ll need both of you to testify at the hearing should he decide to plea innocent. Merlin, you can tell about how he tried to drug you on our date.”

 

The room froze. Merlin was fairly certain his heart stopped, the continued beeping –which definitely had at least gotten much faster- from the machines the only sign that it hadn’t.

 

“You know, on that double date with Percy and Mithian. When he brought you that drink.”

 

The machines were lying. He didn’t have a heart left to beat. “Right,” he managed to force out. “Of course.”

 

“Okay, y’all.” Mordred stood and made shooing motions towards the door. “I know you’re all happy to see Merlin alive and well and you want the scumbag who did this to him to die in a well, but all this talk about trials and drugs is stressing him out. And if it’s not, it’s definitely stressing _me_ out, so I’m kicking everybody out.”

 

Gwen and Morgana leaned over to give him more kisses, one on each cheek. “Get well soon, Merlin,” Gwen ordered, reluctantly allowing Morgana to lead her out. “We need you back at the station.”

 

“I’ll probably need to take your statement at some point,” Arthur mumbled, eyes focused somewhere around Merlin’s hand. “But, uh, that can wait ‘til later, I guess… Right. Well… I’ll see you later then.” He backed awkwardly out of the room. “Merlin, I… I’m glad you’re okay.”

 

Mordred stared after him long after the door closed. “Wow. I don’t know how I didn’t see it before.”

 

“What?”

 

“Pendragon is totally gone on you. Even when he doesn’t _remember_ he’s gone on you.”

 

“He is not…” But now even he wasn’t so sure.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Welcome back to M&M Primetime, with your hosts, Mordred and making his triumphant return, it’s my favourite brother Merlin!”

 

Merlin laughed and rolled his eyes. “I’m your only brother, Mords.”

 

“Yes you are, so a reminder to our listeners that I’d really appreciated it if you didn’t bash him, okay?”

 

“Mordred!”

 

“Sorry, they apparently need a reminder. But Merlin’s return leads us to our theme of the week: comebacks! All those bands who used to be cool, died a watery death, then rose from the ashes to burrow their way back into our hearts.”

 

“I’m not even sure where to begin picking apart that horribly mixed metaphor.”

 

“And that’s why you shouldn’t. After this first song we’ll be taking calls about all those failures that turned success stories. We’ll start things off with my personal favourite, here’s the BSB with ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.’”

 

Merlin ripped off his headphones with a cackle. “You did _not_ just play Backstreet Boys.”

 

“Merlin!” Mordred clapped a hand to his chest in mock offense. “The BSB are a staple of our formative years.”

 

Merlin rolled his eyes. “Anyway, I thought you hated break up week. You said we could only play happy songs from now on.”

 

“I changed my mind. Besides, no one can be sad listening to the BSB.”

 

“I don’t know you. I’m seriously denying all relation next time we go out in public.”

 

“ _Aaand_ we’re back! I hope you all enjoyed that as much as I did.” Mordred turned and winked at Gwen for some reason as he continued, “I think it’s time for our first caller! Hello, listener, what’s your name?”

 

“ _My name’s Arthur._ ”

 

Merlin froze. Arthur never called into the show. There was never any _reason_ for him to call into the show.

 

“Well, Arthur, welcome to M&M Primetime! Have you ever heard our show before?”

 

“ _I’m first time caller, but I’m a long time listener. A devoted listener you might say._ ”

 

Mordred just grinned at Merlin’s growing horror. “You know we’ve just had a bit of a problem with one of those.”

 

“ _I know. I wanted to bash the guy in the head myself when I heard._ _Merlin’s in no danger from me._ ”

 

“Good to hear. So, Arthur, tell us. What’s your comeback story?”

 

Merlin shook his head viciously at Mordred, mouthing for him to stop it, to get him to hang up. He gave the same treatment to Gwen, but she just frowned in confusion. Arthur kept talking.

 

“ _Well, it’s not really a comeback story in the way you’re probably thinking. See, I was dating someone, and it was amazing. All the stupid lovely-dovey clichés you can think of. But I treated them like crap, and in the end, I lost them._ ”

 

“Ah, the time honoured tale of young love.” Merlin found his eyes watering, and he made sure to face away from Gwen so she wouldn’t wonder what was wrong. Mordred could see, though, and for some reason he continued to smile. “But we’re looking for a happy story here, Pe- Arthur.”

 

“ _That’s the thing, I don’t know if we have a happy ending, not yet. I lost them, because I was only thinking of myself, and they stayed lost because they were only thinking of me. Our whole relationship was always about me and my happiness. But you see, the only way I can **be** happy is if that other person is happy, too. Our happiness is intertwined, like two sides of the same coin._ ”

 

Merlin covered his mic with a hand. “Please turn it off,” he begged in a whisper. Mordred shook his head. “Just listen,” he mouthed back.

 

“ _I can’t promise they’ll be happy. But I can promise I’m going to do my damned hardest this time not to mess things up like I did before. So this is my attempt at a comeback story. I love you, Merlin. I love you so fucking much. Please come back?_ ”

 

“Merlin?”

 

But Merlin couldn’t quite get his vocal cords to work at the moment. Arthur loved him. Arthur who didn’t remember they dated just told him he loved him. On _live radio_.

 

“Okay, folks!” Mordred chimed in in a cheery voice, though his face showed nothing but concern now as he watched his brother. “We’re going to go to another song break, and then we’ll be back with you after a word from our spons-.”

 

“I love you, too,” Merlin blurted out. “I love you, Arthur.”

 

“ _Do you mind telling Gwen to let me into the booth then? It’s kind of awkward just standing out here after making that big-_ ”

 

Merlin ripped open the door to the sound booth and threw his arms around Arthur’s neck, making him drop the mobile as he covered Arthur’s lips with his own.

 

From somewhere behind him he could hear his brother’s voice saying, “Well, everyone, I’m afraid Merlin probably won’t be back for the night. Yes, I’m just as sad about it as you are. But let’s celebrate his rejoining of the human race with another classic by the BSB, ‘As Long as You Love Me.’”

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> "I'll Never Break Your Heart" is going to be the first dance song at my brother's wedding. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not.


End file.
